Nevertheless… I expect.

***Deep sigh***

And suddenly, I forgot how to write. I just don’t know how to start. I told myself before not to post anything negative again. It’s hard to put something into words that’s basically, not what we truly feel. And I know why I’m finding it hard to put things into words, ’cause what my mind says are opposite to what I feel. I want to write only positive thoughts, and suppress negative feelings and emotions. It’s hard. I want, as much as I can, to be honest. I just can’t put things into words. Grrr… I’m being redundant.

I want to share a story of a beautiful blessing granted to me by God last week. What I’m REALLY GRATEFUL for to God are the inner values He taught me . When everyone around has given up, it was the Lord who gave me an optimistic behavior. He was like a fire burning in my heart telling me to believe and hold on to my expectations. My mindset before is not to expect at all, for me not to feel disappointments. I practiced that all my life, until 2 months ago. That thinking is vividly written in my mind. But as a human being, I unconsciously let myself expect for things not certain. Oftentimes, I ended up being hurt for expectations not met. Then I promised myself not to expect again, but as a human being, I can’t help it. I told others not to expect or I’m not expecting anything.  But deep inside, I am. And then one writing has gotten my attention. I forgot where I read that. Oh! It’s in Bo Sanchez’s blog. I forgot the exact words or phrases, but I remembered the message. He says, there’s nothing wrong with expecting. Because without expectations, we will not have anything to look forward to. I added another point. “I won’t give up on all my expectations. Nevertheless, I’ll accept the pain of disappointments that comes along with expecting”. They say, “Just hope but don’t expect”. But it’s hard to distinguish the difference between hoping and expecting. But hey! I got a permission from Bo Sanchez that it’s just alright to expect. But what helped lighten what I feel is the acceptance of future disappointments. At least, as early as now, I am ready to get hurt anytime. It’s not easy, but I know, with God’s love, everything will turn out right. I really love this verse, ” I can do all things through

Christ who strengthens me”.

Back to the blessing given to me last week. It was the power of belief that kept my spirit alive. It’s true, if you truly believe, you’ll make it happen. And it’s only God’s love that can satisfy all the longingness, emptiness that we feel inside. Everyday is a battle. We can win this battle if we have God in our hearts. I may be super happy yesterday, and I can be really sad afterwards. But I know, the greatest lesson is to never forget our God. To always go back to Him in times of uncertainty. Or just put Him all the time in our hearts.

Nevertheless, I EXPECT for great things to come my way with God by my side.

*** I didn’t expect my post to turn out to be this long and to end up talking about my gratitude to our God. But that’s what I feel. Thoughts came and words were written. Thank you Lord!

You are the ONE.

Lord, you are so great. Thank you for making me really happy. I don’t know how it happened, how I came to know You more but there’s a certain magic that brought me into You. It’s in Your plan. I’ve been struggling with so many things (You know what they are) for the last years and it made me pessimistic sometimes, but at the end of the day, You still manage to give me hope and the level of optimism outweighs all the negativity. For the last couple of years, I wanted to be closer to You, wanting to know You more, and I realized that there’s a proper timing for everything. Now’s the right time for me to get to know You. Thank You for giving me people whom I draw my strength and positive attitude, for surrounding me with individuals who inspire.  It’s because of You that I can honestly say to myself that I am happy. I’ve been listening to the song, You are the one,  for 2 days already. This is actually a love song/ wedding song, but when I heard of this song the other day; I thought of You. So I downloaded the song, and repeatedly play it. You always come across my mind most specially in these lines:

You are the one that I’ve been searching for my whole life through

You are the one that I’ve been looking for and now that I found You

I’ll never let You go

I’ll hold You in my arms.

‘Cause You are the one.

*Thank you Singles for Christ West B1-A chapter. I’m happy with the community.

There’s gotta be more to life.

My title is a part of the lyrics of the song “More to life” sang by Stacie Orrico. This blog site of mine is really about life. My life, people’s experiences in living life, their realizations about life. Anything to do with life.

Happiness is infinite. Have you ever wonder how wonderful the what-is-so-called Life is? No words can explain how lucky I am to feel and experience the beauty of life. I feel so fortunate to live in this world for more than 22 years and still counting. I’m looking forward in what life still has to offer to me. So excited in the new experiences I will have after every waking up, in seeing the beauty of God’s creations, as well as the love that I can give to the people around me and with the love that I will receive from them, I know there’s more to look forward to. More to aspire and more to achieve. To love, to smile, and to laugh, oh how nice they are!  I’m looking forward to the places I’ll visit, in falling in love, in stumbling to the path of the man that I’ll marry in the future, for the deep relationship that I’ll build with him. I’m excited on how and when I’ll meet my Mr. Right. Will there be a spark, a throbbing heartbeat, a long stare in each others eyes, a shy smile? Haha. Let’s see.

Not to forget in my list, I’m also looking forward on having my baby and being a mother in the future. (maybe after 5 years?) =)

Lord, thank you for the gift of LIFE. It’s wonderful!

Shattered dreams.

Here are some of my journal entries last week. The title is kinda bit exaggerated. I remembered that term when I was in our province years ago, and was reading my high school book in English. The title of the story I was reading was, “Broken dreams and empty promises”. The title is so beautiful, really eye-catching and very meaningful. It was a story of an OFW and how he encountered trials abroad that ruined all his dreams and promises for his family. And also in the song of Brian Mcknight entitled, “One last Cry”. I was singing some lines of that song, specifically, “My shattered dreams and broken heart, are mending on the shelf”. Last monday, when I felt so much disappointment, it was like my world fell apart, my dreams, and plans in the future. But as I’ve said, I only felt that sadness last week, and I’ve already moved on from that experience. It’s really a learning experience of mine that I will never forget. I’m exaggerating with this title, so please, don’t think that I’m depressed or what, this is what I felt last week. And it shows the reality that I am only human. I feel disappointment and hurt. But I am fine now. =)

August 22, 2011. Really really sad. Expectations weren’t meant. I’m so disappointed. And I really am. I’m sorry but I can’t control myself. I’m just sad with the turnout of things. I was already hoping last friday. No, wrong term. I was already expecting. And the saddest part of all is, if didn’t happen. And that’s exactly what happened to me this day early. It was like shattered dreams. I’m about to cry. My tears are starting to fall. It’s almost 99% closed sale, but that 1% has won. So my ice breaker sale won’t happen this month. Why am I hurting so bad? Maybe because I’m starting to love this job. I am so affected and it meant so much to me. On the other hand, it’s a good news. Meaning,I’m willing to fight for this job. Willing to invest my time, effort and feelings. Yes it brought so much disappointment in me, but I know, with that lost of sale, a new sale will come. A bigger sale. So I shouldn’t give up. I should not lose hope because everyday is a given chance from God for us to act and pursue what we really want to accomplish. Carry on Berna. You’ll reach all your goals and dreams in life. I am jokingly telling myself that I’ll stay in the company for 5 years and avail of their early retirement program given when an employee reaches his/her  5th year in the company. If that’s the case, at age 26, I could already retire, get married and have my own family. Just a thought from my wide imagination. But Berna, what happened today shouldn’t stop you from being fighter, an optimistic and an achiever. In God’s perfect time, you’ll have your ice breaker sale, and your branch, your bosses and the company will be proud of you. Sana nga. Well, I’ve been giving myself sensible advice. Yes! I will move on. I can overcome this. I’ll be better in product presentation. I’ll close a big big sale! I’ll qualify for Rome and Venice! That’s the spirit! Go “Burning Berna”! (That’s what my boss calls me. Burning with passion.)

August 23, 2011. Upon waking up, I said, “Good morning Jesus!” and smiled sincerely. Eventhough what happened yesterday still hurts a little bit, I am hoping for a good day at work just to cover up my disappointments yesterday. Jesus, thank you for still giving me hope, for still giving me positive outlook in everything I do. I know you’ll guide me in this endeavor.  Thank you and I love you Lord! -Berna.

Where’s my True North?

There is a big difference in me now. For the past months and weeks, I’ve been attending a lot of seminars, conferences, CLPs, dinner with friends, out of town travel,etc. I’ve been living and experiencing the “what-is-so-called-life”. I’m no longer a home-buddy. And I love it. I’m learning a lot. Those moments brought so much happiness in me. My life was okay before, but it became so much better this year. Last June 25, 2011, I attended a seminar with one of my friend. It’s entitled, “The Art of Being a Woman and other lost virtues”. It was a conference organized and sponsored by the Christ Commission Fellowship, a Christian church. The conference is not about religion but about being a single woman. So it’s open for all single ladies, regardless of religion. Some of the topics that were discussed are Purity, Modesty, Strong work ethics, Pursue Inner Beauty, Pursue Excellence.  There was a style show, makeover session, a talk show about what’s on a guy’s mind. In one topic, the speaker said that a person has to find his/her True North. What is True North? This is the area on a person’s life where he/she is good at. And we should spend 10,000 hours doing things we’re good at. I wondered that time, “Where is my True North?, Where am I good at?, What do I do best?”. I really don’t know.  But I know of a person who already knew where he’s good at. He’s not verbalizing that he likes this or that. But through actions it shows. He’s good in music. And he even shares it to others. And I know that the more you share your talent, the more you gain knowledge. It’s amazing that in the stage of his life right now, he was able to discern what he really wants to do and where he’s good at. Some people spent years and almost their entire lifetime knowing and finding where they should be. I’m on my early 20s. I’m already a young adult, and this stage is usually, the peak of mental and physical capabilities of one person. But this is also the time where the person is in search of who he/she really is. They say the biggest question of a man is, “Who am I?”. Pero ako, my biggest question is, “Bakit ganito?”. Each day I wake up, I’ve been finding out answers to some of my questions in mind, direct answers, indirect answers, and some, by reading between the lines. It’s true when they say, you wouldn’t know it, you wouldn’t understand it, until you live it. You wouldn’t know life unless you experience it yourself. LIFE is beautiful. And the mystery of what’s gonna happen in the future remains still. But let’s forget about the future. What’s important is the present because it will be the basis of our future. Deal with the present okay. I like the tag line in ETC channel 9, “Young and loving it”. I’ll enjoy being young. This is the time to fulfill my dreams. I have a lot of childhood dreams that’s still vividly in my mind. The course of my life may have taken a different path, but my ultimate dream has to happen. It has to happen regardless of finding or not finding my True North. It’s something special. My ultimate dream. =)

My Singkamas! Bow!

  Singkamas… A fruit or a vegetable? I don’t know. What’s the English word for it? I also do not know.   Why don’t I search it in google? I can’t. Cause I’m here at work. Google searching is not allowed. All I know is that eating singkamas is so refreshing, so thirst-quenching, especially if it’s chilled. All I care is that there should always be a singkamas in our fridge. After coming home from a stressful work or after eating a dissatisfied meal, a chilled singkamas always make my hour, and my day. There is a different kind of satisfaction I’m having. I just said, “Oh, this is life!”. Haha.

Haha. I wrote that at work. It’s when all of a sudden, I craved for Singkamas, when all of a sudden, I missed my Singkamas at home.

I’m just a simple person. I’m very vocal that I really do not want to be super wealthy, just enough. Hindi sobrang yaman, pero hindi rin naman hirap. In one seminar that I attended, the speaker pointed that the problem of being so well-off is that people become empty. We forgot to know our God, we lost time with our loved ones, and we failed to experience the true meaning of life. The return (wealth) is high but the risk is also high: the risk of being lost, the risk of a broken family, the risk of being overwhelmed with the material things and the luxuries of life and forgetting who we really are. And the last thing we know, everything was already damaged. But it doesn’t mean that I’ll become Juan Tamad or Juana Tamad and won’t persevere in life anymore. What I’m saying is, I’ll be cautious to balance my career life and my personal life. In a financial planning seminar that I attended several months ago, the speaker said, in the age of 50s to 60s, the biggest cliché of man is that he already has the money that he can use for luxuries, but the irony is, he no longer has the energy to enjoy life. With those words, I told myself that I don’t wanna reach a point in my life that I already have the money but not the energy to enjoy the fruits of my labor for many years. That I’ll forget how to live LIFE anymore. Oh no! No, no, no.

I can compare the life I want in the future with my favorite fruit/vegetable Singkamas. Singkamas is so native, sold cheap, but delicious. Simple but juicy. Not dry. The juice that’s coming out when you bite will be compared to my families’ love with one another. The more you bite the Singkamas, the more juice that will come out. The more you’ll hurt us, the more we will love one another, the stronger we’ll get, the tougher we will be.

According to Father Aranilla in The fight of your life workshop in MMC, we should ask God’s grace for us to be able to “Love fully, freely, faithfully and FRUITFULLY”. Good parting words.

Try Singkamas and you’ll love it! More Singkamas please!

***According to Google, the English for Singkamas is Mexican turnip. 🙂

Grace-filled healing

I don’t know how will I start this post. But let me write these words first, that “my heart is overwhelming with LOVE for God”. I cannot describe the feeling. It’s not that I’m laughing everytime, but it’s more of like having smiles in my heart. Tears of joy flowing from the eyes of people with wounded heart, from the people with broken soul, from the lost flock of sheep- those were the heartbreaking and at the same time touching moments I’ve seen in Metro Manila Conference of Singles for Christ. Until now, I cannot contain my happiness. Speechless. It’s one of the most memorable events of my life this 2011. The description of my calendar in this blog site is: 2011:my best year ever. Looks like it is and will be more in the coming days and in the remaining days of this year.

Right now, I cannot talk a lot about MMC, ’cause like what I wrote, I’m speechless. Still absorbing everything that had happened and everything I had realized last Friday, Saturday, and Sunday (July 15-17, 2011). Is it possible to feel so gracious in life? Yes it is. Because Jesus is the stronghold of grace.

So many lessons I had learned. I remembered when I was listening in the radio a year ago, the topic is about LOVE. For years until I heard the talk in the radio, I cannot understand what people mean by saying “Love yourself first before you can love another”. I was wondering then, how can you say that a person is loving himself/herself and when a person is not loving himself/herself. One witty caller in the radio program explained that phrase. She said that when you love yourself, that love will outpour and that you can share it and give it to others. You cannot give what you do not have. You cannot give love if you do not have any love for yourself. Another illustration, when the boat is sinking and you want to save people, but you, at the very moment is also in danger. So the right thing to do is to save yourself first, then next, save others. ‘Cause how can you save others if you are not yet saved.

What’s the significance of the conversation in the radio program to MMC? It’s about healing the wounds in our heart. We’ve been in trials before or maybe experiencing trials now. There are emotional and psychological effects which we call, wounds of the heart. I realized that we have to face  our problems. We should not escape it because no matter how we try to forget, we won’t, ’cause in the first place, it is not healed. We, people tend to cover our problems, because we thought we can escape it through that way. But in reality, it’s a big misconception. If we will look back on it, the pain we felt from the time we had it, is the same, or worse, more painful now than before. We didn’t notice that the wound got infected and the scar got bigger and deeper. Actually, this is one of the workshop’s topic in MMC. I was not a participant in that workshop but I asked people what was it all about. Now I understand things. And so, I should start healing. I also want to support others heal, but how will I help them if I’m not yet healed? I have to be honest to myself that there are still some issues in myself that I have to resolve. I need to start working on it if I want to help others.

See… If not because of SFC, I wouldn’t be able to know and recognize all these. The SFC community is a grace from God. And with Him, I can now have a grace-filled life. I love you Lord.

Going back. Looking back.

When I was young, it was only in my imagination to see a sunset. It was all over our art class. My teacher would made us draw and paint beautiful scenery and the example always given was a view of a rice farm, with a sun smiling behind the twin mountains, together with fluffy clouds, wild birds, lush green trees, clear flowing river, a simple hut and abundant grass. I remembered last Christmas when I went home to our province in Entablado, Cabiao, Nueva Ecija, the place I had spent 16 years of my life. I had a feeling of wanting to explore my hometown more. So I ride on my bike, alone, and brought my camera with me. There were lots of changes that I had noticed. The road was already cemented and there was already a health center in our barrio. Yehey! I was happy to see some developments in my simple barrio. When it comes to simplicity of the people’s lives, our barrio will be in the list. Some houses are made of nipa hut and I can still see farmers with their carabaos crossing the road. Some are going house to house to sell their freshly-picked vegetables. I had a stopover of my biking journey in front of the river. My attention was caught with the sunset occurring that time. I was amazed by the picturesque view. My eyes sparkled at the moment. I didn’t notice all these years that the picture of beautiful scenery in my imagination during my art class was almost similar to what was right in front of our house. I failed to appreciate these things when I was still living in the province. And now that I appreciated it, I will always look forward to the day that I can go home again and watch the sunrise and sunset right through my eyes. The beauty is unimaginable. I can now picture myself appreciating nature more than ever. So many memories of mine was relived. My childhood days. The most carefree days of my life.

*****

🙂

I don’t know. I’m just happy.

Last week, my officemate and I were laughing and talking of our favorite songs and she was teasing me of all, according to her, the “baduy” songs that I love to hear. Yes, I love OPM love songs, old or new, doesn’t matter, for as long as I felt its meaning. Then I said, “O sige na, lahat na ng “baduy” songs, themesong ko na”. And we both laughed. Then she said, “Wag ka mag alala, gusto ko din yung mga OPM songs like, yung sa The Company, Muntik na kitang minahal”. Then I told her I also like that song. I wondered, why it’s still not yet in my music player. That same day, at home, I downloaded the song. So, last weekend, aside from the worship songs that I’m trying to learn, I played it over and over. Even now, while writing this post. Haha! I must have been affected by the message of the song. Am I inlove? Haha! No… Not now. Secretly loving someone? Hmmm? Maybe yes, maybe no. Joke… I’m not!

Just recently, I was looking at “someone’s” picture, timing this song played, then I didn’t notice that I was staring at his photo for such a long time. There’s the feeling of adoration and admiration. Then a smile was painted at my face. 🙂 Enough of the fantasy and wake up in reality, I thought. It’s a nice feeling being inlove, or not really inlove, even infatuation or inspiration. Well, my status is neither of those. Liar! 🙂

Okay! I’m just happy with everything that’s been happening in my life. A major one is that I already reached this month, the production target I needed for my regularization at work. Glory to God! Indeed, patience is a virtue. Plus God. Little by little, things are starting to fall into the right places. One time, a brother in SFC told me, he’s not feeling alright. Then I asked him if he’s sick. He told me, no, it’s not about that, he feels sad and empty again.  I told him, “maybe you needed more time with God, you haven’t attended the CLP eversince you graduated”. It’s true when the speaker says that “Your real journey towards God starts after CLP”. After my graduation in CLP, I was not yet 100% alright spiritually, I was searching and yearning more of God. I was attending CLP every Sat., but I want more, and so why I am attending the Feast every Sunday even if I have no companion.

I’m wondering what changes happened inside of me so far. I should have asked the people I interact the most. But honestly, I’m joyful these past few months. I can now smile sincerely. Before,  I rarely smile, and if I smile, it’s like a broken smile, ’cause i was really sad and feeling empty before. I can’t find reasons to smile during those times. I can’t laugh hard. But now, seems like the other way around. I’m cheerful, inspired, joyous, optimistic, thankful and blessed. And I owe it all to God!

SMILE! 🙂 If we all, could just smile. Good night to everyone who’ll stumble at this post. 🙂

***By the way, here’s the lyrics of the song I just can’t get enough this past few days.

May sikreto akong sasabihin sa ‘yo
Mayroong nangyaring hindi mo alam
Ito’y isang lihim itinagong kay tagal
Muntik na kitang minahal
‘Di ko noon nakayang ipadama sa ‘yo
Ang nararamdaman ng pusong ito
At hanggang ngayon ay naaalala pa

Muntik na kitang minahal

REFRAIN:
Ngayon ay aaminin ko na
Na sana nga ay tayong dalawa
Bawat tanong mo’y iniwasan ko
Akala ang pag-ibig mo’y ‘di totoo
‘Di ko alam kung ano ang nangyari
Damdamin ko sa ‘yo’y hindi ko masabi
Hanggang ang puso mo’y mapagod
Sa paghihintay kay tagal
Saka ko lang naisip muntik na kitang minahal

‘Di ko noon nakayang ipadama sa ‘yo
Ang nararamdaman ng pusong ito
At hanggang ngayon ay naaalala pa
Muntik na kitang minahal

REFRAIN:
Ngayon ay aaminin ko na
Na sana nga’y tayong dalawa
Bawat tanong mo’y iniwasan ko
Akala ang pag-ibig mo’y ‘di totoo
‘Di ko alam kung ano ang nangyari
Damdamin ko sa ‘yo’y hindi ko nasabi
Hanggang ang puso mo’y mapagod
Sa paghihintay kay tagal
Saka ko lang naisip
Muntik na kitang minahal

Hanggang ang puso mo’y mapagod
Sa paghihintay kay tagal
Saka ko lang naisip
Muntik na kitang minahal

***I should sleep now. No more lates at work Bern. 🙂

Cebu trip: Day 2 and 3- Going South

On the second day of our Cebu trip, we went South. We’re supposed to do island hopping in Mactan Island on the second day but all of us thought that we’ll be able to explore Cebu more if we’ll go South. I was searching the web for other nice spots in Cebu, then I asked my friend if we could go and visit Kawasan Falls. And our Cebuano friend said that it was really nice in Kawasan, so at 7 am of June 4, we headed on South. We’re expecting more than 3 hours of travel from the city to Moalboal town. But it just took us two and a half hours. In everything that we do in life, it was really the journey that could strike us the most. And our 2 1/2 hours journey towards Moalboal was really a moment to cherish. I have come to love Cebu because of that. I’ve come to see the beauty of Cebu more. If the city is more of historical sites, buildings, hotels and churches, going South is more of nature. I do appreciate nature. And I enjoyed the sights of mountains, trees, grass, and most specially the white sand beaches with clear water. Cebu has everything a tourist could ask for. It has its city, historical spots, there are mountains, white sand beaches, beautiful falls. And the distance from one another is not that far. In just an hour or two, and maybe three, maximum of four, you’re already in a different place, in a different location, in a different horizon.


From left: Daffodil (Cebuano friend), Zai, CJ (Cebuano friend) and myself in front of the Kawasan falls

We spent overnight in a resort in Moalboal. Before sleeping, me and my friend had a long, nice talk. We placed a cloth in the sand, and lye there overlooking the stars and the ocean, if sitting. We talked about our lives, our work and our everyday experiences in the workplaces. It’s a kind of talk that we’re longing to have. I, myself, is wanting to express my thoughts about what’s going on in my life.

On our 3rd day, we woke up at 7 am to go back in the city to catch up for our flight back in Manila which is set to  be at 12.15pm. We arrived at NAIA at 1.30pm. Before separating ways, my friend and I dropped by in “Raku”, a Japanese restaurant on the 3rd floor of the airport, to eat, and we ordered their noodles. I love noodles kasi! Delicious! 🙂 The table in that restaurant has a funny but sensible statement. It says, “Share a table. Make a friend.”

I hope to go back in Cebu in the near future with the people I love. I want to tour them in the beautiful places that I was able see. Cebu is just a small province but I’ve come to love it. You will the see its beauty once you’ve been there. And one more thing, the people are nice. Cebuanos are nice. And the way they talk and speak Bisaya, they’re cute. I want to learn their language.  There are also other places to look forward to, such as the Bantayan Island in the  north and the Pagadian Island.

Hope to see more of you, Cebu, soon!!! 🙂