Today is the second of April, 2018. How fast the time flies? It’s almost the end of the first quarter of 2018 and I didn’t even notice. The holy week has just ended. As usual for us working in the hospital, we don’t have holidays, I mean the hospital never goes on holiday. It’s open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year for the service of the people who are sick.
It was not known to a lot of people but I’ve been struggling in my life recently. And these struggles made me question life and God as well. I know this struggle is nothing compared to what others are experiencing but for me, this is already something that weakens, breaks and hurt me. This made me question life and God with a lot of why’s. Why do I have to experience this? Why do I need to be in this dilemma? Did I do something wrong? I’ve waited and worked hard for this, but suddenly, why do I have to choose between two options that I really love? I am just fulfilling my dream.
I’m a firm believer of God’s plan, but it doesn’t deny the fact that I am hurting. I was telling myself that I won’t be able to know why these things are happening now but in the future everything will fall into place. But knowing this doesn’t change the fact that presently, it hurts. I was hoping that the pain I’m feeling will be gone soon.
It was my first time to attend the Hillsong church. I told myself, why only now, I’ve been here in London for more than a year already. The venue was in Palladium theatre to accommodate larger audience for Easter Sunday. It was a long queue before we got inside the venue but we didn’t mind. During the service I remembered my SFC (Singles for Christ) days, singing praise and worship songs, praising Him, letting go and letting God. After the praise and worship part, there was a preaching followed by the presentation about the crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus Christ. In the presentation, they modernized the setting, but the story and the lessons are the same. It was a stellar performance with complete visual effects, lighting, singing and dancing of great performers. It was beautiful but I wasn’t really affected by the presentation, there was even a time in the play that I fell asleep not because the performance was bad or boring but because of lack of sleep the night before. I don’t know what happened but the following morning after I wake up, it was the first time that I didn’t feel the weight in my heart. I felt very at peace and trustful of the journey that I am right now. After all, love is supposed to be patient and kind. I went to work joyful and happy. I dealt with the patients with smiles and laughter, building rapports and uttering silly jokes (which is unusual of me). I hope this is the start of the moving forward process.
I’ll be fine.