I hate attraction!

I never had a boyfriend before. Well, I had one, but as I looked back on it, it’s more of like a friendship-raised-to-the-next-level-kind-of-relationship rather than a boyfriend-girlfriend thing. As expected, it didn’t last for so long. It was really short-lived, I don’t even want to say how short the relationship was. So I don’t really consider it as one. What went wrong? Well, I don’t wanna lie. That time, I was not yet ready to have a commitment. I was not yet ready to share my life with another person. I was not yet ready to open my heart to someone. I’ve long wanted to have a boyfriend. But the timing isn’t right. I’ve heard before from one speaker that the success of everything we do in life lies on proper timing. And I totally agree with it.

It seems like the people around are pressuring me to have a boyfriend already. I would love to have a boyfriend, but something inside me, says no. Honestly, I’m afraid to love. I’m afraid of falling for the wrong person. I’m afraid that I might cross the border. I’m afraid I might not give the love my partner would need.

I’ve been attracted to a lot of men throughout my 20+ years of existence. I’ve met a couple of  men whom I told myself is my ideal man. I’ve had crushes and infatuation. But fantasy is different from reality. A lot of times, strangers become our friends or acquaintances. And the more you spend time with that person, the more you get to know him/her, the more you become interested with him/her. Oh how we prayed for the feelings to be mutual. But just when you’re falling for that person, you’re not numb, you can sense that what you are to him/her is just pure friendship. You can pretend to other people that it’s just okay, that you are not hurt. But you cannot lie to yourself. You may smile and laugh, but at the end of the day, the pain you are feeling cannot be eased away.

It happened to me a lot of times. I told myself before that I won’t be attracted to guys, I won’t fall for them. But nature has taken its  course. At times, like what happened to me before, I saw something unique in one guy, or I don’t know what attracts me, maybe his kindness, his intelligence, his personality, his attitude. I don’t know. The next thing was that I found myself thinking of that guy. But as I faced reality, he cannot be with me. So again, I was hurt. I didn’t ever think of confessing my feelings for that guy because I believe it’s so risky. It’s not worthwhile because he’s taken or was eyeing for someone else already. Those were the times that my heart was crushed. So many times, it had happened. My heart was broken with reasons not really clear/valid compared to other people’s experiences on love. Those were the reasons why I don’t want to be attracted to guys anymore. I don’t want it to happen again, and again, and again. The feeling hurts so much. My heartbreak story may be too superficial for others, but for me, it’s already traumatic. The pain I felt before really hinders me from liking someone. If I could only teach myself and my heart not to like someone anymore, I’ll do it. So, if ever I’ll meet another guy in the future, I don’t wanna get attracted anymore. I’ll just open my heart to someone, if ever that person likes me too. (and take note, if I also like that person)

I’ve said before that I am a risk taker. I’m willing to take a risk in my life except for one thing, for love. I don’t wanna risk on love simply because, I have so much fear in my heart. In the first place, I’m scared to love. So how will I know how to love, how will I risk on loving when in fact, I haven’t open my heart to anyone. Right now, what’s my status? The door to my heart is still close unless someone would knock on it, will take my fears away, and will prove to take care of me and will not hurt me.

When will that be? When will our path cross? How will I know you? How will I know that it’s already you?

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